Licensed to Fulfil: Amazon’s Absurd Acquisition of James Bond


It is with all the giddy anticipation of a man awaiting dental surgery that I note Amazon has purchased James Bond. Yes, the world’s suavest assassin now belongs to the same corporate monolith that sells novelty socks, gluten-free gravy, and inflatable flamingos.

The real peril is not that Bond will be slain by some diabolical villain, but that he will be slowly smothered in the fleece blanket of corporate sanitisation. Gone will be the cigarette, the casual misogyny, the martini-fuelled recklessness. Instead, he’ll sip responsibly sourced kombucha while earnestly discussing carbon offsets with M.

Every scene will be focus-grouped into beige oblivion. Explosions will be “toned down for sensitive viewers,” seductions replaced with tender conversations about boundaries, and villains discouraged from using hurtful language. Even the theme song will be sung by Ed Sheeran, presumably while sitting on a beanbag.

In short, Amazon hasn’t so much bought Bond as had him declawed, neutered, and popped into a tasteful gift box with a ‘Family Friendly’ sticker slapped on top.

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